Hey there! I’ve recently stumbled across Loveawake dating site and I seriously adore it! I actually don’t feel so out of place anymore because not a lot of my friends understand my ”crazy girl” tendencies…they seem so mellowed out in their relationships while I’m a raving child sometimes…

I was wondering if you could post something about insecurity. I have this tendency to over think everything, I even come up with the most random ideas like ”He doesn’t say he misses me enough….he’s seeing another chick” and that’s only the best of it.

I seriously sometimes feel like my bf is just so close from saying he wants out and the hell away from me because of how emotional, clingy, and paranoid I get. I know a lot would tell me maybe he’s acting in ways to make me feel that way but I’ve been in multiple relationships in the past that have all ended badly because of my lack of security, the need to be made to feel secured every single second of every day, the need to be given attention all the time, I tend to drive him insane actually….

My bf is not one for the emotional sharing…he’s actually more of a I’d rather show how I feel but not say it kind of guy…he doesn’t like the whole lovey dovey thing a lot either…I don’t know I always thought that guys would like us to be romantic and shape out hearts with candles for their birthday and bring them roses…..hmm, I sound like a stalker don’t I? anywho!

Sorry…I’m rambling…it’s just I’ve tried being more confident, I literally am working on myself, I’m working out to feel good, I’m spending time with the girls and my family…but since I’ve traveled I feel as though he doesn’t miss me at all…I’m only staying here for two months and a half and I’m going insane without him. It’s crazy. Yet I don’t get that vibe from him. He barely talks to me. When I discussed it with him…he said I want him to be miserable instead of happy. I don’t really know what to do…
Any suggestions would be seriously appreciated

Loveawake’s Advice:

Ok first of all, serious kudos on your insight. Where did that come from?! I’m not sure you realize how much personal responsibility you’re willing to take for your actions, and how much of an advantage that places you in terms of successfully dealing with your insecurity. I really want to acknowledge you, and more importantly I want you to acknowledge yourself, for not blaming anyone else for “making” you feel insecure. Recognizing that you have a pattern of feeling insecure no matter whom you date, and attributing your insecurity issue to something you need to strengthen in yourself as opposed to looking for external solutions (i.e. trying to change your boyfriend, buying new clothes and makeup, things like that) well, congrats! You’re in the absolute best place to get some change rolling! So lets go…

I hear two parts of you coming up in your email. One is the part of you that’s making an effort to be more confident. This is the same part that’s working out to feel better and spending time with your girls and fam to feed your soul. She seems pretty positive and hopeful; maybe we could call her the “steady girl.” These are some of “steady girls’” fave things to say to you: “Keep trying—surround yourself with support—do what makes you feel good!’ Yep, she’s pretty nice.   Then, well, there’s basically the “crazy girl” part. These are some of “crazy girl’s” fave things to say to you: “You know your boyfriend is out with someone else right? You know this relationship is just gonna fall apart right? You know your boyfriend doesn’t even want you anymore right?” Damn! “Crazy girl” is mean! Or is she…?

Here’s what’s happening: We all have different parts of our personality, which pipe up depending on the situation and they’re all useful. The problem is that if you don’t keep certain parts in check, they hog the stage (the space in your head) and their voice is the only one that’s heard. I wonder why this “crazy girl” is piping up so much. It’s my guess that there was a time in your life when you didn’t get lots of attention, maybe you were really disappointed and hurt by someone you loved, and “crazy girl” isn’t so mean after all; she just doesn’t want you to feel that hurt again. That “crazy girl” part of you is taking preemptive action to protect you, she’s pretty fierce, and if you didn’t have that part of you, certain situations would arise which you would just naively (and dangerously) step into.

Don’t try to get rid of her. Trying to eradicate parts of ourselves is neither helpful nor safe. All parts are welcome. Just reclaim your head space, let her know you hear where she’s coming from and things will be fine. Invite the other parts of you to step up in those moments. Call on “steady girl” or “funny girl” to reassure that “crazy girl” part of you that there’s no need to sound the alarm, and be specific. Why will things be fine? Is it because you have an amazing family and great friends? Will things be fine because you know how to recognize a toxic person?

Figuring out why things will be fine is your work.

This is all called “self-integration.” Instead of trying to get rid of parts (which leaves them battling it out for survival and drives us insane with their incessant messages), we instead get them talking to each other, get a little understanding going of where they’re coming from, find out what they’re trying to do, and decide whether or not it’s necessary in the moment.

Keep in mind (pun intended): You’re in control. You’re the boss. If one part of you is getting too rowdy, say to that part, “Thanks, heard ya, you’re done now.” Invite someone else to get on stage, and enjoy the show.